a fresh start

As of today, I officially have to start fresh.

Garrett and I broke up two weeks ago yesterday after almost three and a half years.
Fifteen minutes ago, we decided that we need to stop talking.

The hardest thing is that I never thought it would be so difficult for me to stop holding on. I have always been an independent person. Always. I really never thought that I'd be the one having such a hard time ending our relationship. I definitely know that our breaking up is the right thing to do--it was my idea from the start. However, as much as I try to tell myself that it is the right thing to do, I really do need more convincing in terms of how my heart is going to take things.

All through high school, Garrett was my only true friend. I have had such a rough time with friendships, probably because I've always been such a home body and because I went to school so far away from home.

I need to find some closure. I need to find a place and a way to move on. Hence, the beginning of this blog. I think that I really need somewhere to express my feelings. As hard as I try to talk to friends, I never really get it out. Prayer has always been difficult for me because I always feel the need to be so formal and to say the right things, rather than just letting it be a stream of consciousness.

I question the reality of things. I question my goals. I question where I am in life. I question my purpose. I question my friendships. I question my faith. I question my location. I question the roles I play.

Lately, the greatest happiness I've found has been with my MAP client. He is my true joy. I see his progress as actualization for my life and my plans. I understand him, despite the fact that he is nonverbal, because I know him like I do.

Last night I had a dream about him. I dreamt that he was the my cousin's baby--Jo is pregnant, and she'll have the baby in late August or early September--and I dreamt that my client was her baby. I don't know what kind of sign that is creating, and I really hope that it is not a sign that Bryan & Jo's baby will be diagnosed with autism, but I do know that it solidifies how important he is to my life.

I have so many goals, and I need to not be held back from them. My client solidifies where I want to go in my life, and I need to put those goals as the primary importance for everything I do in day to day life. I think that stepping out and looking beyond this one relationship with a boy--one whom I called the love of my life for several years--gives me the opportunity to spread my wings and look at my goal from a broader spectrum. I don't know where life will take me. I don't know where I'll be accepted for grad school. I don't know where my Ph.D. in clinical psychology will take me, except that I want to help these children and I want to make a difference.

I need to move on.
I need to stop questioning.
I need to pursue my goals.

My homework for the next couple of days is to pursue these needs. To examine them. To put them at the forefront of my actions, and to use them as purpose for all that I do.

"I could write my name by the age of three

and I odn't need anyone to cut my meat for me.

I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes. 

It'll take more than just a breeze to make me."

--Ingrid Michaelson